Although I didn't make it to SXSW this year, I did prepare a speech in the unlikely event that I'd win one of these. Here it is, exactly as I'd written it in my notebook:
Wow, this is... Wow. Um, Jesus. I don't know what to say.
(pause, glance at award, release single tear from right eye)
Wow.
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone but God. Without everyone but God's help, I wouldn't be standing here today.
(point everywhere but straight up)
I'm so honored to accept this lifetime achievement or best Honduran or power law-related weblog award. I don't quite know how I won this award without ever promoting myself in any way for it. Well, except for that $800 I spent to fix the nomination and voting process.
(laugh nervously, as if that's just a joke)
Heh, just kidding folks.
(look uncomfortable when no one laughs)
(somewhere in the audience, a cough)
Furthermore, I hope the question of my superiority over Matt, Heather, Anil, and Rebecca is finally settled once and for all. We all knew I was better anyway.
(laugh nervously again)
(audience doesn't seem to "get it", the mood shifts from embarrased silence to open hostility. matt looks pissed.)
Oh, and the war. I don't think there should be one, in complete agreeancement with what Fred Durst thinks.
(audience brightens at pop culture reference)
(pause, glance at award again, think that maybe i shouldn't have mentioned the bribing, better make another deft joke about it)
Um, that $800 I mentioned earlier, that, um, wasn't true.
(fuck)
Um, ...
(ok, close on a high note. more pop culture here, i think. that durst thing earlier was gold!)
You know that episode of the Simpsons where Homer wants to win the worker of the week award at the nuclear power plant and instead that carbon rod wins and Mr. Burns holds the rod up and everyone cheers? I feel just like that rod. Thank you.
(wild applause. everyone loves the rod.)
(rebecca, matt, heather, seething, are waiting backstage with respective entourages. anil is off in the corner looking cool in a white turtleneck sweater. pummeling ensues.)
(scream like a little child)
Not the face, not the face!! I'm too pretty...
(fade to black)