What I could be doing right now, according to email received this morning

posted by Jason Kottke   Sep 30, 2002

- Having free sex on the Web
- Getting the computer skills I need free from Video Professor
- Viewing photos of singles in my area
- Getting 4 complimentary sirlions + 1/2 price Omaha steaks
- Earning extra cash for the holidays
- Winning a $500 Target holiday shopping spree
- Repairing my credit legally
- Earning $6,000.00 per month, working from home
- Heightening my orgasms
- Giving away CDs and earning full time income
- Losing 22.5 pounds in 3 weeks
- Receiving 3 complimentary panties from Fredericks
- Losing up to 12 pounds in two days guaranteed
- Taking a Florida vacation
- Planning a trip
- Losing weight, no exercise
- Achieving the ultimate orgasm
- Getting on the management fast track
- Renting all the DVDs I want
- Learning the secrets to investing in real estate
- Enlarging my penis
- Getting my next car at my price
- Ordering $20 and receiving a $10 coupon
- Getting 250 business cards for free
- Viewing photos of available men and women in my area
- Getting big, ripped, and strong
- Getting a life
- Finding love today at Matchmaker.com
- Training for success
- Winning a 100% free mortgage quote
- Saving up to 80% on inkjet & laser toners
- Slashing my payments 50% without a loan
- Buying cheap real estate then selling it for profit

What could you be doing right now according to your email?

Reader comments

megnutSep 30, 2002 at 2:32PM

Traveling to the sunshine state for FREE.
Being my own private eye.
Orgasming easily during intercourse.
Ordering meds online.

leeSep 30, 2002 at 2:33PM

ummm…could you pass along that $500 target shopping spree? i have the rest. i need to complete my collection.

karaSep 30, 2002 at 3:04PM

. helping organize 2days of ‘social disobedience in solidarity’ in Argentina
. looking for a good time, wanting some HOT ladies
. forwarding money to a Sierra Leone widow, at no risk
. attending a ‘this war is wrong’ thingie in Vancouver this Friday
. increasing my sexual performance RIGHT NOW
. submitting a paper on a BAD SUBJECT, including Taste
. watching movies in my car for under $300

heatherSep 30, 2002 at 3:05PM

Fighting the battle to lose weight
Refinancing my mortgage.
Getting HUGE!
Giving my child an edge with Online tutoring
Rubbing a wet portion of a woman’s anatomy [that I don’t want to rub]

johnSep 30, 2002 at 3:21PM

Helping a relative of a deceased African despot by letting them put $100 million in looted funds in my bank account.

Pascale SoleilSep 30, 2002 at 3:34PM

Happy Belated Birthday! (I would have put this after the appropriate post, but for some reason there was no comment link available there.)

mccreathSep 30, 2002 at 3:41PM

I’d have to install a language pack and learn Chinese to tell you a couple of them, but I could definitely be entering a contest to win a “price” from “Reclusion … a great thrash metal act from Gothenburg, Sweden”. Bang der head, ya!

PaulSep 30, 2002 at 3:41PM

Getting my foreign accent out of the way.
Finding out where oil prices are heading.
Getting legal herb, anytime.

I don’t have time for any of that stuff; I’m still busy trying to untangle my fortune from the Nigerian government. I followed all the instructions, but it seems there was a snag.

BenjySep 30, 2002 at 3:45PM

I am still trying to figure out how one email promised me 3-4 inches of additional length while another could only boast of 1-3, yet they both were for the same product! Surely the FDA must have data to confirm whose claims are correct :)

JenniferSep 30, 2002 at 3:55PM

I could be doing almost exactly the same thing. SPAM brings us all a little closer.

Your site is lovely but man that green/yellow color is making me slightly dizzy.

GeneSep 30, 2002 at 4:02PM

Fixing my web site so it works for people who use Macs. (I’ve opted to enlarge my penis instead.)

paulSep 30, 2002 at 4:06PM

apparently i can grow my breasts up to two cup sizes with all natural herbs.

that sounds at first, but the more i think about it, the more i think i’d never leave my house and have really sore hands and breasts if i went no cup to a b cup.

SethSep 30, 2002 at 4:35PM

- Paying nothing until 2003
- Doubling my earnings power
- Making $50,000 in 90 days sending email from home
- Losing up to 12 pounds in 2 days
- Printing out my invitation to that outdoor sex party

DanSep 30, 2002 at 4:52PM

- getting Millions of Singles At my fingertips!
- getting “Cash in a Flash”
- claiming my free diamond.
- getting Out of Debt NOW!
- watching “Free Teen De-virginization Clip..”!

RankSep 30, 2002 at 5:05PM

Reading kottke.org

Paul HoffmanSep 30, 2002 at 5:10PM

- finally getting it (what it?)
- getting $10 free (free of what?)
- listening to the Junction Five song „Ginman‰ (with bad entity markup for the quotation marks)
- Getting Quality Ink and Toner at Incredible Savings with Free Shipping (and lots of capitalization)
- being updated on Bush’s Faith-Based Community Initiative (from someone who appears to like it)

SusanSep 30, 2002 at 5:48PM

-Brian Say now is the time to “ROB THE HOUSE” Friend (I say “Huh?”)
-Enlarging my penis (sounds like I need to hook up with Paul)

alisonSep 30, 2002 at 6:00PM

getting it on with TASTY VEGAS HOOKERS.

AmySep 30, 2002 at 6:03PM

I, too, could be enlarging my penis. (It doesn’t specifically say that it won’t work for women…)

That and watching young teen sluts who have apparently just set up their webcam.

jorgeSep 30, 2002 at 6:06PM

Reduce my Debt in 3 Minutes
Get great hair and Free shampoo
Guaranteed SuperPrize Amount: $1,000,000.00
Earn your Bachelor’s or Master’s degree online

and about 50-100 others on a daily basis. arrgh

BoyCaughtSep 30, 2002 at 6:16PM

Learning how to get into paysites for free.

Finding out how to get paid for things I do on the Internet everyday.

Getting a 4% mortgage rate right now (the actual house will have to come later).

Finding out what my life insurance CO doesn’t want me to know. (Cool!)

Logging on the Net’s FIRST No Charge Adult Megasite. (Hott!)

Letting doctors help me write my own Prescripitions (oh yeah, better check that one out).

Cutting my debt in half.

Securing No-Cost Loan Applications for my Auto! No Commitment!

Getting another dose of money.

Adding 3-4 inches, guaranteed!

Reading Jakob Neilsen’s ALERTBOX.

AdamdSep 30, 2002 at 6:28PM

Get Fit While You Sit!
Record anything on CD ROM!
all natural penis enlargement
FREE Mortgage Quotes Now Available
Free Indian Tasty Sweets. This week only
Want to be DEBT FREE, by 2003?
Watch Girls Get Fucked By Horses
Free New Cars for the Taking!
Reverse Aging While Burning Fat — 100%
Revolutionary 24-hour weight loss formul
Casting Call for Reality TV’s Fastest Ne
Answer 2 Questions and Win $500
[ Take part in CRUELY RAPE ACTION! ]
Reduce Your Debt in 3 Minutes
Is the air in your home safe to breathe?
-=== Ever seen ANIMAL LOVERS? ===-
See EVERYTHING that happens on ANYONE’s

dwsSep 30, 2002 at 7:31PM

- Saving $$$ on toner cartidges refilled with Viagra in Nigeria

mikeSep 30, 2002 at 7:54PM

I can’t reply to this post right now, as I am in Sierra Leone having fabulous sex, using my enlarged penis, with a surprisingly sexy widow.

I may buy some land.

nickSep 30, 2002 at 8:17PM

trading online, oh yes, and I saw the Dow numbers today just before that one slipped by SpamAssassin.

überchickSep 30, 2002 at 8:20PM

-“Get cash NOW!!!”
-“Don’t bogart that joint…”
-“Balding is not funny, so what’s the big joke?”
-“See Asian Teens!”

so enthusiastic those spammers are!

LukeSep 30, 2002 at 8:27PM

I could be finding out about government grants.

Geoffrey SmithSep 30, 2002 at 8:44PM

I could be increasing my ejaculate.
That’s a good thing, right?

ShawnSep 30, 2002 at 9:55PM

Thanks to SpamAssassin, nothing that I shouldn’t be.

PauloSep 30, 2002 at 10:09PM

Enlarging my breasts AND penis!

TellerSep 30, 2002 at 11:04PM

Or thanks to Spamnet, nothing that I shouldn’t be.

Chris HOct 01, 2002 at 12:43AM

>”Rape Pictures”
> Free legal advice …

Nice symmetry i thought

dbOct 01, 2002 at 3:24AM

i haven’t received spam since 1999.

StevoOct 01, 2002 at 4:26AM

my life is so wretched that i´d be happy to receive some spam.

mclaughOct 01, 2002 at 6:22AM

two words:

also, x10 cameras, Cheapest Long Distance Available - NO CATCH, Fat-Loss Study Participants Needed , Have You Been Turned Down for Credit?, Reverse the Effects of Aging, all the usual sexual ones, and this recent favorite:
Smokers 21 and older - Win a Flat Screen TV!

boring meOct 01, 2002 at 6:36AM

- Get a free year’s subscription to YM
- The American Idol Greatest Moments CD is here
- Audiogalaxy is now “Rhapsody”
- Monsters, Inc now on DVD

(I don’t get much adult spam, probably because I “accidentally” registered for Hotmail as a minor.)

mattOct 01, 2002 at 6:37AM

Enjoying some “Renegade Botanicals From Exotic Botanical Resources!”

Seth WerkheiserOct 01, 2002 at 7:13AM

I could be watching underage girls take it up the…
well, you get the idea.

SamOct 01, 2002 at 8:03AM

-On site flu vaccinations
-get grapes
-Promotional Writing Workshop
-Display Ad needed for 9/29/02
-Quality System notification: Added QSP/SOP to Training list

JcbOct 01, 2002 at 8:41AM

Simply type the word Remove and my e-mail address in the subject or body of the e-mail.

Apparently, they process all customer requests through an automated system.

Paul WatsonOct 01, 2002 at 8:42AM

- Helping a Nigerian banker export $5mil with a 10% cut-back for me
- Re-mortgaging my house for prime -5%
- Immortalising myself with Black & White 2 while spanking my creature
- Making my website comply with outer mongolian web laws so that I can seel to, well, outer mongolians

Got to love the web :-D

MattKOct 01, 2002 at 9:26AM

95% of the spam I get is neatly filed away in my “junk” folder, thanks to Apple Mail’s spam filter.
I just took a look and discovered that I could “Give my child an edge with Online Tutoring”
Too bad!

essOct 01, 2002 at 9:46AM

Today was a good day for not getting spam, but there does seem to be a new trend in “perfect skin” and “the skin of a princess.” In the last couple of months, it’s been right up there with losing weight and low-interest mortgages.

Jcb - last time I looked, any kind of response was marked as a hit, and sold on a list of goobers who respond to spam.

Benjy a funny guy.

Stv.Oct 01, 2002 at 10:38AM

I don’t get email spam, thanks to excellent filtering by my host, but I did get what was perhaps my first weblog-comments spam today. Some poor lonely guy wanting anal sex. It could be real, but that would be just so sad! I wonder if perhaps this will be the new thing? Companies, trolling Google, or what-have-you. When we post on something like ‘cleaning supplies I like’, our comments get filled with spam about various cleaning products, etc.

AndreOct 01, 2002 at 10:39AM

Feeling younger
Being helped to succeed
Saving bonus on air and hotel combos
Looking better guaranteed
Renewing luminaut.com

In fact, I alerady feel younger.

DihanOct 01, 2002 at 12:06PM

A prince from africa wants to put $500,000 into my accont. quite strange junkmail

matthewOct 01, 2002 at 12:37PM

i don’t seem to get much spam… i feel so left out.

although, i do have the opportunity to receive a doctorate degree from the comfort of my home.

but that’s about it… sigh

ArminOct 01, 2002 at 1:10PM

* Swimming in debt (er, no thanks)
* THE BODY DEFENSE INDEX - A NEW, LIFE-CHANGING TECHNOLOGY!! (whatever that is. Apparently something to do with obtaining an optical fingerprint of various molecules. Whatever…)
* (Thanks, I’ve got enough of those already…)
* Welcome back: $20 off a Small Business Listing (Now, where did I leave with my non-existing small business?)

MattOct 01, 2002 at 1:20PM

i could…

- have a plan b
- have a complimentary 24-pack
- have been selected for a Giveaway!
- rent All the DVDs I Want. For Free
- Information for my own personal Email address
- been Pre-Approved for a Free Cellular Phone
- get No Hype - Just Cash - FAST & FREE!
- Rescue My Television From Cable!
- see Teens at camp, Lovin Sex
- Shop Refinance, Home Equity, Mortgage Loans
- make EXTRA money this month
- get 20% off Calphalon, Old Navy Painter’s Pants and more
- Unlock the power
- get my free quote
- get a $5000 unsecured credit line, guaranteed
- consolidate my debt
- copy and play DvDs NOW
- get child custody
- apply for a PREMEIR MasterCard!
- get my free reward now~!
- get permission
- get a diploma today
- get a $1,000,000 credit line
- use my military experience to get ahead
- save an additional 15% off all sale linens
- get free new cars for the taking
- confirm 4 FREE airline tickts + $100 shopping spree
- fulfill my reservation needs
- verify my address for shipping
- turn back my aging process naturally
- get my credit pre-approved
- earn my degree online
- fire my boss and make money quick!
- get my own handy stitch- the mini sewing machine
- get free computer lessons on CD-ROM
- join Merrick Bank
- reduce my debt in 3 minutes
- become debt free!
- keep my penis erect up to 45 minutes
- unleash my PC’s Multimedia power at 70% off
- access my PC from anywhere
- learn the secrets to investing in real estate
- get a free panty wardrobe
- advance my caree with a University of Phoenix diploma
- get a free PDA
- get 4 top sirloins free + 1/2 price Omaha steaks
- get free money for college
- send a message in a bottle
- feel younger now
- get all satellite channels free
- make a fortune on eBay
- find the truth about anyone

And that’s just the first page… Gotta love hotmail.

BenOct 01, 2002 at 3:58PM

Now that I’m at home, it’s a completely different story. I could be:

- owning my own home bought with someone else’s money
- being crushed by laughter
- having my mind blown away by cock hungry sluts
- getting beautiful hair
- creating a great looking Web site without having to know HTML, FTP or graphic design
- getting a free sample of America’s #1 energy product (Middle East oil?)
- paying too much for auto insurance
- paying too much for printer catridges
- listening to Jakob Nielsen

I don’t plan on doing any of them.

OneOct 01, 2002 at 5:18PM

Hm, according to what’s currently in my yahoo inbox, I could be:

- Getting Business Capital
- Chatting with singles in my area
- Getting a free psychic reading TODAY!
- Preparing my baby (0-36 months) for Harvard
- Comparing and Saving on Auto Insurance
- Seeing New Pink Pony Arrivals and getting Free Shipping (Believe it or not, it’s for RL Polo, not some subversive My Little Pony pr0n site)
- Getting a check for triplett 318
- A free edumacation
- a free one day pass!

That’s not even looking at my spam folder, which upon cursory inspection includes the perennial favorite: Natural Breast Enhancer and the musing, “Is Al-Queda Living Next Door To YOU!??”

Andy FOct 01, 2002 at 9:55PM

All of the spam I get is largely traceable to the fact that I comment on web sites but forgetting that for the moment I see that I could:

-earn online commisions
-“cure” my single-ness
-order viagra x3
-get various folk’s pics x4
-something about trusting my kids but not the internet
-a couple of messages in an unistalled character set so I have no idea what they’re on about
-finally I can consolidate all of my debt into one handy loan

AlejandraOct 02, 2002 at 4:59PM

- See Everything that happens on Anyone’s Computer!
- Wipe out my debt with The Debt Pros!
- Get a free 3-in-1 Digital Camera plus $600 FREE Software - GREAT GIFT!
- Learn about Free New Cars for the Taking!
- Get a FREE Nokia Phone with FREE Long Distance!

homerOct 04, 2002 at 4:11AM

from all stated above, it sounds that personal email is the only best and safest thing internet provides.

emilyOct 04, 2002 at 10:32AM

1. ordering DVD’s 15% off
2. watching some kind of bestiality video clip
3. ordering junk from Amazon
4. ordering junk from Cook’s Illustrated
5. enlarging my penis easily and safely
6. giving my woman better orgasms
7. reading exclusive content about the Red Sox

emilyOct 04, 2002 at 10:33AM

woops, how could i forget

8. getting a better mortgage rate fast

old man charnagliopolisenheimerOct 08, 2002 at 9:42PM

Posting multiple resumes.
Trying Microsoft Visual Studio .NET in a “free hosted session”

This thread is closed to new comments. Thanks to everyone who responded.