kottke.org posts about headlines

Warm titsMay 09 2008

Just in time for my newly formed headlines tag: Great tits cope well with warming. (thx, ryan & alex)

A definite contender for the headline ofNov 12 2007

A definite contender for the headline of the year: Hamlet shaken by murder then suicide. Previously: Skywalkers in Korea cross Han solo. (thx, virginia)

Fun headline of the day: Erectile dysfunctionMay 02 2007

Fun headline of the day: Erectile dysfunction probed with engineering tool. Heh, they said "tool".

Wii wordplayNov 19 2006

Nintendo released the Wii at midnight today. Predictably, bloggers and media outlets are having a bit of fun with the gaming console's name. Here's a sampling of headlines from newspaper stories and blog posts with Wii wordplay:

Gone with the Wii
Gamers Wii bit excited
Are Wii Ready?
Playtesters say 'Wii' to console war question
Wii Won't Rock You
And away Wii go
Gamers Go Wii Wii Wii All the Way Home
The things Wii do for love
'Wii'kend So Far
No Wii for Mii... for now :(
Wii were successful (barely)
Wii Are The World: War Of The "Hard To Resist" Game Consoles
Wii Will, Wii Will Rock You.
Oh Wii Oh...
A Wii bit of gougery
Come On Over and Wii'll Play!
Wii-lcome to the Twilight Zone
Wii would like to play!
What Wii can do
Only a Wii Bit of Excitement
PS3 Fans: "Wii are a bunch of idiots"
Wii Wish You an Early Christmas (If You're Famous Enough)
Be Kind to the Wii Folk
Wii Love It! All about Nintendo's new gaming console
A Wii-bit too late
Are Wii ready?
Wii Want to Play
Wii for Yoo and Mee
To Wii or not to Wii, that is the question!
A Wii Bit More

Oh, the humani'wii'. (Apologies...I'm so'wii'. (No, 'wii'lly. (I can't stop, send help! Hurr'wii'!)))

Headline: Naked man arrested for concealed weapon.Nov 07 2006

Headline: Naked man arrested for concealed weapon. This reads like an entry in a six words story competition.

Headline of the week: "Horniest male beetlesOct 17 2006

Headline of the week: "Horniest male beetles have the tiniest testicles". Bravo!

Media races to make the perfect Cars punJun 08 2006

Headline writers everywhere are rejoicing the impending release of Pixar's new movie, Cars. As with Apple's release of their Tiger operating system, Cars comes loaded with so many opportunities for puns and metaphors that the media just can't help themselves. A sampling of puntacular fun so far:

With 'Cars,' Pixar Revs Up to Outpace Walt Disney Himself (NY Times)
NASCAR, Hollywood share the fast lane (USA Today)
'Cars' Voices Toot Their Horns (Zap2it.com)
A toon-up for Petty (Orlando Sentinel)
With 'Cars', Paul Newman stays in the race (Malaysia Star)
Newman's need for speed (Toronto Sun)
Cars: Cruising along in Weirdsville, Cartoonland (NY Times)
Cars' Riding on Flat Tires (OhMyNews International)
Shifting gear (The Age)
Pixar's Cars stalls with reviewers (Guardian Unlimited)
"Cars" is one sweet ride (Hollywood Reporter)
Cars rolls along like an animated version of Doc Hollywood (Canada.com)
'Cars' an auto-matic hit (Tucson Citizen)
Great-looking 'Cars' stuck in cruise control (goTriad.com)
'Cars' revs up marketing campaign (Inside Bay Area)
Disney/Pixar revvs up its latest cash cow (Monterey Herald)
Finely drawn characters drive 'Cars' and its director (St. Paul Pioneer Press)
'Cars' wins the race hands down for summer's best film (Press & Sun Bulletin)
Kickin' the Tires (East Bay Express)
Star vehicle veers a bit (St. Petersburg Times)
Pixar's 'Cars' falls a little short of winner's circle (SouthCoastToday.com)
'Cars' just can't get it out of first (Statesman Journal)
'Cars' will take you straight to the dump (Scripps Howard)
Running on Fumes (Village Voice)

Headlines courtesy of Google News. If the movie were getting mostly bad reviews, one could imagine headlines like "Cars a lemon", "New Disney movie is the pits", and "Reviewers to Pixar: Your new film is car-rappy".

Clever headline watch: Mayor tapped water customers for sex.May 19 2006

Clever headline watch: Mayor tapped water customers for sex.

In the running for the best headlineJun 10 2005

In the running for the best headline ever award: "When Nanopants Attack".

Extra! Extra! Tiger Headlines Roar!May 02 2005

Apple's codename for the new version of OS X clearly inspired headline writers to dust off a few of their favorite cat expressions. Here's a sampling of actual headlines (thanks, Google News) about Tiger's release:

Apple Sets Tiger Free on Public
New Mac System 'Tiger' Roars
Apple's new Tiger springs into action
Apple lets Tiger OS out of cage
Apple unleashes Tiger in Taiwan
Apple's Tiger unleashed in San Francisco
Apple's Tiger earns its stripes
Longhorn on Tiger's tail
Apple unleashes Tiger
Apple users are likely to be on the prowl for Tiger
Apple takes Tiger by tail with free installation
'Tiger' roars into stores
Apple to let loose its sleek Tiger system, good at hunting down files
Apple Lets Tiger OS Out of Cage
Apple unleashes Tiger operating system
Apple's Core Supporters Roar Approval At Tiger
Apple aficionados grab Tiger X by the tail
Apple Unleashes Highly Anticipated 'Tiger'
Tiger roars onto the Mac mini
Apple's Mac OS 'Tiger' Ready to Pounce
Tiger is out of its cage.
Apple's powerful Tiger leaps to the forefront
Apple's Tiger stalks Windows market
Mac users will be happy to have a Tiger by the tail
Apple's "Tiger" aims to take a bite out of Microsoft
Apple's Tiger Leaps Out To Operating-system Fore
Apple's Tiger Begins To Prowl, Set for Release Friday

I'm somewhat disappointed I couldn't find a headline that depicted a battle between Tiger and Microsoft's Longhorn, something like "Apple's Tiger Slays Microsoft's Grazing Longhorn, Leaving Bloody Entrails Strewn All Over OS Marketplace". I mean, why even bother if you're not going to go completely over the top? Amateurs.

Dell dude headline watchFeb 14 2003

I'm sure you've heard. The guy that does those "Dude, you're getting a Dell" TV commercials got busted here in NYC for buying pot in a kilt. I'm told the pot buying part is the illegal activity, not the kilt-wearing. Anyway, anyone with column inches in a magazine, newspaper, or weblog fell all over themselves trying to come up with the worst "dude, you're getting..." jokes. A sampling for your "enjoyment":

Dude, you're getting a cell.
Dude, you're getting off with a warning.
Dude, you're getting arrested.
Dude, you've been busted.
Dude, you're getting a blunt.
Dude, you're getting a record.
Dude, you're getting a rap sheet.
Dude, you're under arrest.
Dude, you're getting busted.
Dude, you're getting some weed.
Dude, you're getting lots of PR.
Dude, you're getting a dime bag.
Dude, you're getting off easy.
Dude, you're getting raped in jail.
Dude, you're getting a cavity search.

I'm sure everyone is just getting warmed up for when Ashton Kutcher gets nicked. I sense a thousand "Dude, where's my pot?" jokes itching to escape word processors everywhere.

Headline of the day: OralMay 31 2001

Headline of the day: Oral Nicotine Solution May Help Smokers Quit. Oral nicotine solution? That wouldn't by any chance be cigarettes, would it?

Pornographer probedJul 10 2000

Headline that isn't from The Onion but probably should be: Net Pornographer Probed.

Did anyone use this headlineJan 25 2000

Did anyone use this headline in conjunction with Patrick Naughton's conviction: "Infoseek.con"? If Bill G. and company ever catch it from the Justice Dept., it would work for them too: "Microsoft.con". OK, so my brain is a little fried today....Photoshop for 6 straight hours will do that to you.

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