Swiss mountain cleaners
Switzerland is more than cheese, alps, and a blonde serving cocoa. It's also the home of the slightly neat-freak mountain cleaners.
via swissmiss
April Fool's that actually aren't
From across the pond, here's a list of 10 stories that could be April Fool's but aren't. On the list:
Pubs are telling expectant mothers when they've had enough to drink.
Entirely unfunny. For a more joke-filled first of the month, you can always get that yodeling game for XBox360.
"Thank You, Vocoder"
"Vocoders are an instantly recognizable synthesizer sound, having been used in popular music since the 1960s. They allow you to 'talk like a robot', which while fun, is often not musically useful."
This from "Introduction to Vocoders," proves the point that the vocoder does not, in fact, turn a song into music. The voice analyzer/synthesizer system that was originally developed in the 1930s to facilitate early telephony has now become a seemingly inescapable accessory to popular music.
Rapper Ice Cube also awkwardly reflected on the negative effects of vocoders on rap:
"Records sales really not concerned to me as much as doing it my way. And doing the kind of records I want to do. Without some A&R dude trying to tell me to go find T-Pain and get you a voice box. Ya know, all this stupid stuff that they do that mess up a lot of records, mess up a lot of artists."
This clip of T-Pain v. His Vocoder is the audio equipment equivalent of Stephen King's Christine, and it certainly backs up Mr. Cube's claim.
Update: Turns out that the actual device Mr. Pain uses to alter his voice box is referred to as an Auto-Tune, and it's the weapon of choice for Cher, Kanye, and T-Pain, who seems just as oblivious as this author was. The two machines are entirely different.
Thx jason freeman
Super Tuesday Surprise: Leading Minsk Newspaper Endorses
Super Tuesday Surprise: Leading Minsk Newspaper Endorses Candidates in US Presidential Race.
The Democrats have now only two candidates who stand to chance against this powerful phalanx: Barack Obama, senator of City Chicago and nephew of Saddam Hussein; and Hillary Rodham Clinton, organizer of popular solidarity-building women's breakfasts for discussion of hair-hygiene and of place of woman in American politics, and only official wife of number-one enemy of Serbs and all Slavic peoples, Bill Clinton.
Also: "The Woman: it is also Person!"
Hasbro is releasing a special "Regular Monopoly"
Hasbro is releasing a special "Regular Monopoly" edition of the popular game, following the success of hits like Star Wars Monopoly and Simpsons Monopoly.
[The game] replaces the iconic, high-valued properties of Mariowalk and Luigi Place with its own fancifully named "Boardwalk" and "Park Place."
Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man.
Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man.
The $10 began its long journey into Kellener's wallet in 1983, when a beefed-up national defense budget of $210 billion enabled the military to purchase advanced warhead-delivery systems from aerospace manufacturer Lockheed. Buoyed by a multimillion-dollar bonus, then-CEO Martin Lawler bought a house on a 5,000-acre plot in Montana....
From the always excellent xkcd, this comic
From the always excellent xkcd, this comic absolutely drips hilarious nerdiness and nerdy hilariousness all over the place. "Oh yes, Little Bobby Tables, we call him."
Remember the Transformers movie from this summer?
Remember the Transformers movie from this summer? Those were fun times. Here's a letter to Optimus Prime from his Geico auto insurance agent. "Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we would expect from reasonable use."
In the Year 2030, the Young Hotshot at
In the Year 2030, the Young Hotshot at My Office Tries to Walk Me Through "Centaur," Apple's New Mind-Orb-Based Operating System. "Well, go ahead and materialize the topaz orb first. That should launch your facefield preferences."
Five Flickr sets that aren't driving the
Five Flickr sets that aren't driving the long-term traffic you'd hoped for. Merlin brings the funny, you make with the laughing.
Nation to Ken Griffey Jr.: We Wish
Nation to Ken Griffey Jr.: We Wish It Were You Hitting 765 Home Runs. "They talked about his 1989 Upper Deck rookie card, and how, instead of going down in value with every hamstring injury, it should have skyrocketed in price with his 800th, maybe 900th home run."
Twelve tips for travelling across the United
Twelve tips for travelling across the United States by train. "12. Train Love. I wish you the best of luck in finding a soulmate via subsidized government transportation."
The Onion: "Despite the existence of cinema
The Onion: "Despite the existence of cinema classics such as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Seven Samurai, the 2004 film Garden State starring Zach Braff and Natalie Portman is some poor fuck's favorite movie."
Arkansan blames liberal Congress for a particularly
Arkansan blames liberal Congress for a particularly hot March, made so by daylight saving time. "You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate." Who needs The Onion with Connie M. Meskimen around? (The headline seems to be misspelled as well..."warning" should be "warming", yeah?)
Update: Phew, we still need The Onion...the letter is probably a joke. (thx, stephen)
A letter from the Paleoanthropology Division of
A letter from the Paleoanthropology Division of the Smithsonian Institute: "We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents 'conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.' Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the 'Malibu Barbie.'"
Update: Not that there was any doubt that this isn't a real letter, here's the confirmation. (thx, sam & sheldon)
Translation From PR-Speak to English of Selected
Translation From PR-Speak to English of Selected Portions of Rails Developer David Heinemeier Hansson's Response to Alex Payne's Interview. A little inside-baseball, but it's a good game.
Ken Graney's Roomba has broken the three
Ken Graney's Roomba has broken the three laws of Roombotics. "The first law states that the device 'must not suck up jewelry or other valuables, or through inaction, allow valuables to be sucked up.' The second law prescribes that Roomba 'must obey vacuuming orders given to it by humans except when such orders would conflict with the first law.' The third and final law authorizes a Roomba to 'protect its own ability to suction dust and debris as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law.'"
Loving article about the little-known transcontinental burrito
Loving article about the little-known transcontinental burrito tunnel linking San Francisco and NYC. "By the time they reach Cleveland the burritos are fully heated through and traveling uphill at about twice the speed of sound." (via seriouseats)
Like most of the best Onion articles,
Like most of the best Onion articles, this one hovers between absolute hilarity and extremely tasteless: Anna Nicole Smith Finally Reaches Target Weight. "Forensics reports reveal that Smith's miraculous weight loss began on Feb. 8, when she was discovered unconscious in her Hollywood, FL hotel room."
A list of 16 things it takes most
A list of 16 things it takes most of us 50 years to learn. "There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11."
Update: This list originated with Dave Barry, but some of the items on the list as no longer his. (thx, michael and justin)
Roommate Wanted: Share My West Village Pad. "
Roommate Wanted: Share My West Village Pad. "Ideally, you do not have 'a lot' of friends (i.e., any). But if you do, they cannot visit the apartment at any time."
The Wisdom of Children, including A Conversation
The Wisdom of Children, including A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids' Table and How College Kids Imagine the United States Government. "FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest! MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I'm crazy!"
The Onion: I Support The Occupation Of
The Onion: I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops.
A suggested entry for New York City
A suggested entry for New York City for Conservapedia, a Wikipedia without the liberal bias. "The city's population is often reported by the mainstream media to be as high as 8 million -- but a rigorous count of actual Americans, using the methods of Adjusted Freedom Demography pioneered by Smorgensen in the Patriot Census of 2005 (i.e., excluding immigrants, Jews, ivory-tower communists, and nonrepresentational artists, and counting only three-fifths of descendants of African slaves, as originally intended by the Framers), reveals that New York City's population of legitimate Americans is actually only 312."
Some other Zapruder films include Nancy Reagan
Some other Zapruder films include Nancy Reagan Fells a Deer and Ricky Zapruder's Birthday Party.
A dad sings NWA's Fuck The Police
A dad sings NWA's Fuck The Police to his young son using some creative realtime censorship. "'Cause he'll tickle you 'til you're giggling." (via the grumpiest)
Video of a standup economist translating the 10
Video of a standup economist translating the 10 principles of economics into something a little funnier. Here's the guy's web site. (thx, barry)
Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say
Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say to Me on First Dates. "Is that an XXL Magic: The Gathering shirt? Plus five to Gryffindor!" (via fimoculous)
Tremble funnyman Todd Levin dons the Non-Expert's
Tremble funnyman Todd Levin dons the Non-Expert's hat over at The Morning News to explain how to buy wine. "FANCY SERIF FONT + PARCHMENT LABEL + SOMETHING YOU KIND OF REMEMBERED FROM THE MOVIE SIDEWAYS + $12-$16 PRICE TAG = SUCCESS"
Amazon Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband.
Amazon Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband.
Ian Frazier on operating the shower curtain.
Ian Frazier on operating the shower curtain. As a showering enthusiast, I appreciated the description of the convection effect that causes the shower curtain to inexplicably fly inward.
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus. "If you are the sort of person who is interested in the truth, perhaps you would consider asking yourself this question: how exactly does a single elderly man not only manufacture but also deliver in a single evening what would, by all forms of logic, account to be millions of toys?"
The kids stayed up past their bedtime
The kids stayed up past their bedtime watching a chainsaw murder movie, so their parents got even by waking them up creatively.
The year in errors
Every year, Regret the Error1 publishes a roundup of the year's media errors and corrections. I didn't think anything could beat these corrections from the 2005 list:
Norma Adams-Wade's June 15 column incorrectly called Mary Ann Thompson-Frenk a socialist. She is a socialite.
The Denver Daily News would like to offer a sincere apology for a typo in Wednesday's Town Talk regarding New Jersey's proposal to ban smoking in automobiles. It was not the author's intention to call New Jersey 'Jew Jersey.'
but the 2006 collection is a strong one. Here are some of my favorites:
A correction in this column Thursday about a June 14 Taste section recipe for French coconut pie incorrectly suggested that the recipe called for a pint of vodka.
In Wednesday's Taste section, a Washington Post recipe on Page F7 included an incorrect cooking time for carbonada (braised beef with onions and red wine). The dish should be cooked for 2 1/2 hours, not 10 to 20 minutes.
Because of an editing error, a recipe last Wednesday for meatballs with an article about foods to serve during the Super Bowl misstated the amount of chipotle chilies in adobo to be used. It is one or two canned chilies, not one or two cans.
A story in the July 24 edition of the Sentinel & Enterprise incorrectly spelled Sheri Normandin's name. Also, Bobby Kincaid is not a quadriplegic.
The regional court in Duesseldorf ordered the weekly WirtschaftsWoche to print a correction to an article that claimed Piech wore "garish ties with hunting motifs" and did not know the exact number of his children from various marriages, a court spokesman said. The magazine, owned by the Handelsblatt group, had published a picture of Piech wearing a tie with a picture of a man with a gun and an elephant. It quoted Piech as saying in an interview that he had sired "about a dozen children. The exact number is not known". The court accepted Piech's argument that his comment had been meant ironically and that the motif on his tie was not a hunting motif...
Mr Wakefield is not and never has been a member of the Communist Party. The error is regretted.
In a March 17 story about protests planned against the Iraq war, The Associated Press erroneously identified Jeremy Straughn as a political socialist at Purdue University. He is a political sociologist.
She's got the patent resume of somebody that has serious skill. She loves football. She's African-American, which would kind of be a big coon. A big coon. Oh my God. I am totally, totally, totally, totally, totally sorry for that. [He meant "coup".]
Recent articles in this column may have given the impression that Mr Sven Goran Eriksson was a greedy, useless, incompetent fool. This was a misunderstanding. Mr Eriksson is in fact a footballing genius. We are happy to make this clear.
I especially like the recipe ones...just the thought of some unsuspecting reader eating her meatballs with all those chilies or the fellow debating whether he should serve his obviously raw braised beef to the rest of his family. Be sure to check out the whole list.
[1] When I first posted this, I misspelled "Regret" as "Reget". (No, really!) I deeply regret the error. (thx, mauayan)↩
Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4
Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad. "He lives right in my neighborhood, he's a professional, and he loves to work out -- he sounds sexy."
Worst analogies ever written in a high
Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay. "He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. "
Video of things you can't do when
Video of things you can't do when you're not in a pool. (thx, tana)
Nice thread of people providing examples of
Nice thread of people providing examples of gifts that aren't really gifts. "The ideal is one that does not insult upon opening, that, in fact, seems like a great gift until living with it for a couple months." Worst gift I've ever heard of anyone getting: a turtle as a housewarming gift. Who gives someone a turtle? Was the wine store closed?
A special bachelorette party menu from a
A special bachelorette party menu from a French restaurant. "Steak Frites with Bearnaise drizzle slowly administered tableside by young, handsome, patient male waiter."
Comedian Aries Spears does awesome impressions of
Comedian Aries Spears does awesome impressions of LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, DMX, and Jay-Z. Here's a shorter bit of him doing Michael Jordan and Shaq. (via zach)
Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks. "
Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks. "Weren't Sun Chips healthy enough for you, you goddamn hippie bastards?"
The problem with the axiom "live each
The problem with the axiom "live each day as if it was your last": "it can't possibly be healthy for my body or mind to spend each day sobbing uncontrollably and trying to eat as many Carl's Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburgers as I can before nightfall."
The Yakov Smirnoff joke -- In Soviet
The Yakov Smirnoff joke -- In Soviet Russia, television watches you! -- is more formally called the "Russian reversal".
Clay Davis: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. This is right up
Clay Davis: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. This is right up there with Khaaan! (thx, david)
Nerd cartoon: "Sudo make me a sandwich."
Nerd cartoon: "Sudo make me a sandwich."
Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary.
Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary.
New Improv Everywhere mission: 225 people at the
New Improv Everywhere mission: 225 people at the Home Depot in Chelsea all moving in slow motion. The sped-up video showing all the slow-moers moving at normal speed while everyone else zips around is pretty great. (thx, jakob)
Geoffrey Chaucer writes on his blog about
Geoffrey Chaucer writes on his blog about playing the Exboxe CCCLX video game system. Donkeye-Kynge sounds pretty fun, as does Tyger Woodses Huntinge and Hawkinge. (And I love that the commenters stay in character.) (via rb)
Orgasm or excellent marinara? Can you tell
Orgasm or excellent marinara? Can you tell the difference between the faces of Food Network celebrities and porn stars? Might be a little NSFW depending on where you W. (via ed)
Unnecessary censorship video. Brilliant take on how
Unnecessary censorship video. Brilliant take on how ridiculous the whole TV censorship thing is. (via cyn-c)
A fake biography of cereal monster Count
A fake biography of cereal monster Count Chocula made it into the Wikipedia entry but has since been axed. "Ernst Choukula was born the third child to Estonian landowers in the late autumn of 1873..."
Update: From what I understand, this is a photo taken of the bogus update of the Chocula page. Note the similarities between the Chocula update and the John Trumbull memorialization of another significant moment in history. (thx, mikey)
The proof is in the underpants: global
The proof is in the underpants: global warming is real. (via eyeteeth)
What if some of the world's best
What if some of the world's best photographers had posted their photos to a photo message board? Garry Winogrand might have been told: "Man at right needs to be cropped out. Sometimes I find if I shout right before I take the picture I can get people's attentions. If you had done so we would have been able to see more of their faces." (via conscientious)
Madden NFL 06 Fans Take Video Game Into Real World
Following the examples set by PacManhattan and Nintendo Amusement Park, another popular video game is moving beyond the screen and into the real world. Enthusiasts of EA Sports' Madden NFL 06 have been spotted in various locations around the United States playing a physical game based on the bestselling title.
DeWayne Coleman of Grand Rapids, Michigan said, "it looked so fun on the screen and we thought, 'why can't we go find a flat grassy area to run around, throw the ball, and punt on fourth down?'" Other "football" groups (as they like to be called) have uploaded candid photos of their activity to the Flickr photo-sharing site.
These early amateur efforts bare a crude resemblance to the gameplay in Madden, but a professional league set to begin play this fall in several major US cities will follow Madden NFL 06 much more closely. The National Football League (NFL) will employ athletes that resemble their in-game counterparts that will play for teams named after those in Madden. The teams will go through a full 16-game season, followed by a playoff and a "Super" bowl game to determine the champion. League officials plan to bring in revenue by charging for admission, selling foodstuffs during the games, and memorabilia inspired by the virtual uniforms worn by players in the game. The video game's namesake, TV personality John Madden, will even colorfully describe the action of the games for simultaneous broadcast on network television.
Madden NFL 06 purists have criticized the NFL's ambitious efforts, saying that ticket prices are too high and the games aren't interactive enough. One Madden fan from Phoenix, Arizona summed up the frustrations: "I'm supposed to pay twice as much as I paid for the video game for one lousy live game, not including beer and hot dog costs, and I can't even control what's going on in the game? What the hell is so fun about that?"
The fighting styles of Jakob Nielsen, including
The fighting styles of Jakob Nielsen, including Blue Underline Grab, XML Thumb Strike, and Cooper-Style Monkey Strike. Action figures? Anyone?
Names of books + band names. Charlie Daniels
Names of books + band names. Charlie Daniels and the Chocolate Factory, Motley Crusoe, The Natalie Merchant of Venice, and J-Lolita...you get the idea.
Columbia House launches subscription meds program. "Qualified
Columbia House launches subscription meds program. "Qualified seniors may choose either 12 generic drugs for one cent, or five brand-name medications for 49 cents each, plus shipping and handling."
Fine nerd humor: comparing Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0. "
Fine nerd humor: comparing Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0. "If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources." Would like to see Boyfriend 6.0 vs. Husband 1.0 as well.
Update: Husband 1.0 is already there. (thx, jason)
Flickr redesigns slightly; they've moved out of "
Flickr redesigns slightly; they've moved out of "beta" and into "gamma". More on the redesign from Flickr HQ. (thx, joshua)
Funny but also depressing SNL bit with
Funny but also depressing SNL bit with Al Gore last night, speaking as if he were President and Bush was the comissioner of baseball. (via rw)
Horrible Segues, With Local Anchorman Clive Rutledge. "
Horrible Segues, With Local Anchorman Clive Rutledge. "After seeing that clip featuring the hottie in the halter-top, something else is rising, too, heh-heh, if you catch my drift -- that's right: interest rates. Today the Federal Reserve recommended they be upped by half a percent."
Five suggested Flickr tags. Merlin brings the
Five suggested Flickr tags. Merlin brings the funny. "Rows Of Seated White Men Typing At Conferences".
Franz Ferdinand frontman shot by Gavrilo Princip
Franz Ferdinand frontman shot by Gavrilo Princip bassist. Interpol and British Sea Power are on the case.
Somewhat related to this, parallels between my
Somewhat related to this, parallels between my living through two years of middle school and the two terms of the Bush presidency.
OMG! Rotation of Earth Plunges Entire North
OMG! Rotation of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness. "As the phenomenon hit New York, millions of motorists were forced to use their headlights to navigate through the blackness. Highways flooded with commuters who had left work to hurry home to their families."
This woman on the subway is exercising
This woman on the subway is exercising her right to bear arms.
Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet
Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet Excel 11.0. "Now, 20 rows down, the accounting's hard as granite -- it's the hardest thing an office man can stand, but you keep your pencil sharp, and you keep your pencil working. It's the life of a numbers-crunchin' man."
Who knew David Sedaris' family was so
Who knew David Sedaris' family was so full of art experts? "I don't know if you realize it, but it seems that Picasso is actually Spanish."
The secret to Web 2.0: what do Flickr, Ning, Kiko, Vimeo, Shadows, YouTube, Furl, NewsGator, Shutterfly, Mefeedia, Feedster, Planzo, Zazzle, Tailrank, Yakalike, Qoop, Lulu, Blish, Flagr, FireAnt, Odeo, Measure Map, EVDB, Gather, Oyogi, Last.fm...
...Jotspot, Frappr, Yedda, Writeboard, Kanoodle, Memeorandum, SuprGlu, 43 Things, Findory, Clipmarks, Wayfaring, AllPeers, Zoozio, Ziggs, Wink, Reddit, Digg, Gumshoo, Ta-da List, Wikipedia, Pubsub, Ookles, YubNub, Bloop, FeedBurner, Bloglines, Gabbr, Gcast, Blinkx, Openomy, Riffs, Myspace, Pandora, LookLater, 30 Boxes, Rollyo, Squishr, Plazes, Noodly, Wondir, Protopage, Blummy, Jots, Vizu, Del.icio.us, Tagyu, Writely, Simpy, Gtalkr, Truveo, EgoSurf, Mozy, Quimble, Basecamp, Squidoo, NewsVine, Clipfire, Lookster, Netvibes, Facebook, Goowy, Yelp, Magnolia, Technorati, Gmail, Feedmarker, Mercora, StumbleUpon, and SpinSpy all have in common?
They're all web sites. The truth was staring us right in the face all this time.
ps. Damn Movable Type and its restriction on the number of characters I can put in the title of a post. varchar(255) my ass.
The Brokeback Mountain humor industry is in
The Brokeback Mountain humor industry is in full swing these days, but I thought this one was pretty funny: Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer 1962. (via lia)
Presenting the Bible's Book of Genesis in
Presenting the Bible's Book of Genesis in rap songs. For instance, the song for Genesis 21 -- which tells the story of Isaac and Ishmael -- is Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
Responses to People on the 6 Train That
Responses to People on the 6 Train That Hopefully Convey My Feelings in a Polite Way. "Thank you for so gently cupping my ass when we came to a stop."
Update: The author of this list has a blog with some quick-witted observations of NYC. (thx, robert)
The Superficial on Kate Moss and her
The Superficial on Kate Moss and her poor taste in men: "You could stick her in a room with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and the Kool-Aid Man, and five minutes later all you'd hear would be 'Ohhhhhh Yeah!'"
A Selection From George W. Bush's Eavesdropping
A Selection From George W. Bush's Eavesdropping Tapes: Matthew Barney and Bjork Place an Ikea Phone Order. "Ask if they have an aluminum igloo."
Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its
Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than "I'm Feeling Lucky." Not a great list, but "I Deserve to Google and Be Googled" should be put on a tshirt.
Update: You don't need to wait too long around here...here's a "I Deserve to Google and Be Googled" tshirt. (thx, rickey)
This is no game. "One day we'll
This is no game. "One day we'll just sit by the fire, chew some tobacky, toast some marshmackies, and maybe strum a tune on the ole guitacky."
According to some recent analysis, Antonin Scalia
According to some recent analysis, Antonin Scalia is the funniest Supreme Court Justice. Justice Thomas, on the other hand, generates no laughs whatsoever.
Alright, alright, that Chronic of Narnia SNL
Alright, alright, that Chronic of Narnia SNL rap thing is as funny as you think it is because you've already seen it, so stop reading and watch it again, would you?
The Onion provides a list of new
The Onion provides a list of new guidelines from the Transportation Security Administration. "Vermont and New York cheddars can be brought on board, but not Wisconsin cheddar -- by far the sharpest cheese in the cheddar family".
In-progress ideas for New Yorker cartoons. "Or
In-progress ideas for New Yorker cartoons. "Or some other recent culture reference. Or something involving wine, or Europe."
Milton Bradley's secret invasion orders for the
Milton Bradley's secret invasion orders for the attack on Boston Harbor.
On Christmas, "the holiday season", and the
On Christmas, "the holiday season", and the oppression of Christians. May be NSFC (not safe for Christians). (via 6f6)
Plurals
Me: Yeah, it's like the plural of attorney general is attorneys general.
J: Attorneys general? I thought there was only one attorney general.
Me: Well, one for each state, and if they all go to a meeting or something...
M: Like, "all the attorneys general get together for the annual attorney general-a-thon."
Me: Shouldn't that be attorney-a-thon general?
Related: Engadget checked with Apple PR to see if it's iPod shuffles or iPods shuffle. They said the former...I think it should be the latter.
Bunny suicides. In how many ways can
Bunny suicides. In how many ways can a bunny off itself? (thx, richard)
Update: Turns out these are scans from The Book of Bunny Suicides. In exchange for viewing the pirated copy on the web, how about picking up one for a twisted friend for the holidays?
How It Should Have Ended, alternate endings
How It Should Have Ended, alternate endings to some movies, including Star Wars, Seven, and Saving Private Ryan.
43 songs about the blogosphere (full-size). There's "Checking
43 songs about the blogosphere (full-size). There's "Checking My Stats On An Hourly Basis", "I'M THIRTEEN AND EVERYTHING SUCKS", "You've Never Heard Of This Band I Love", and sentimental favorite "Don't Read Kottke (But I Steal His Links)".
Forthcoming books in the increasingly mature Harry
Forthcoming books in the increasingly mature Harry Potter series. "Harry Potter and Some Seriously Bad Acid".
Reasons bloggers hate the mainstream media. "Bloggers
Reasons bloggers hate the mainstream media. "Bloggers got stood up at prom. By the MSM."
Responsible spam messages. "Can't SATISFY your woman?
Responsible spam messages. "Can't SATISFY your woman? Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss the issue."
Merlin is collecting funny eBay ads from
Merlin is collecting funny eBay ads from Google. "Looking for Handjob? Find exactly what you want today. www.eBay.com". Dictionary.com used to have Amazon ads tied to search terms that would say things like "Buy crack cocaine at Amazon" or "Buy hookers at Amazon". I for one welcome our new robot marketing overlords.
If you've ever wondered what your lowly
If you've ever wondered what your lowly narrator would look like with a moustache, wonder no longer.
Consumer electronics mash-ups
As frustrated as one can get with the US sometimes, it is truly a marvelous land of plenty. In the past few months, I've run across some remarkable consumer items which I'd like to share with you.
- A microwave oven with a radio in it. With a little tinkering, you may be able to take the FM signal coming into the radio and convert it into microwaves to cook the food. Lite jazz will cook that baked potato nice n' slow or crank the hard rock station if you're in a hurry to scorch your Healthy Choice.
- A mounted deer head that sings and talks. I know you're all familiar with that mounted bass that plays music, but this is a whole deer head we're talking about here. I was too amazed to note any of the songs or whether the deer lip-synchs along, but I'm sure that when you plug this sucker in, whatever it does is wonderful. It's singing taxidermy fer crissakes!
- A refrigerator with a TV. For that 3-4 seconds it takes you to get a glass of orange juice when you're away from the TV just in the other room. Oh, and if the TV part breaks, good luck getting it fixed. Also, there didn't appear to be a Refrigerator Channel for viewing inside the fridge to avoid letting that precious cool out while your teenage son stands with the door (and his mouth) open for three minutes deciding what to eat/drink.
Convergence is grand, ain't it?
"The only debate on intelligent design that
"The only debate on intelligent design that is worthy of its subject". Hootingly funny. (And I have no doubt that someone from the other side of the debate could construct something equally as amusing, so...)
The Onion: Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint
The Onion: Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation. "We all got Ron's message loud and clear when that JPEG of his wife wipe-transitioned to a photo of her tombstone". (via mathowie)
What's the funniest word ever? I don't
What's the funniest word ever? I don't know about funny, but I've always enjoyed saying "Goethe".
The Onion: Lance Armstrong's Endurance Tested By Sheryl Crow Concert.
The Onion: Lance Armstrong's Endurance Tested By Sheryl Crow Concert.
Awesome awesome awesome alternate trailer for Stanley
Awesome awesome awesome alternate trailer for Stanley Kubrick's The Shining (local mirror). Andy calls this "one of the best video clips I've seen all year" and he's not wrong.
Here's the formula for a New Yorker
Here's the formula for a New Yorker cartoon: take a person/entity from Column A, and have them interact with a person/entity from Column B in a location from Column C. Voila, comedy jackpot!
Book reviews based on a random sentence
Book reviews based on a random sentence from each book. On Moby-Dick: "People who enjoy witty banter will love this tale of two unlikely friends, Ahab and Stubb."
"Floating Island" is a mini version of
"Floating Island" is a mini version of Central Park being towed around Manhattan by a tugboat (photos here)...it's a conceptual art piece by Robert Smithson. This weekend, a group of folks in a motorboat tried to board the floating park and install a miniature version of Christo and Jeanne-Claude's The Gates. When the captain of the boat towing the island "looked out across the East River Thursday afternoon and saw another piece of conceptual art gaining on him, he did not view the development kindly".
If you spend any time in restaurants,
If you spend any time in restaurants, you might find May We Tell You About Our Specials This Evening? as hilarious as I did.
The Onion: Tiger Woods Signs $15 Million Deal
The Onion: Tiger Woods Signs $15 Million Deal To Endorse Alex Rodriguez. "Now that beloved, recognizable superstar Tiger Woods is the new face of Alex Rodriguez, we hope to see some [endorsement] offers start rolling in."
Five things I'd ask every Supreme Court
Five things I'd ask every Supreme Court nominee if I sat on the Senate Judiciary Committee: "If you knew to an absolute moral certainty that you could capture and consume a live infant without being caught, how many do you suppose you could eat in a weekend?"
Frustrated with his morning personal grooming routine,
Frustrated with his morning personal grooming routine, man creates an all-in-one solution that speeds his morning along. Convergence is here, my friends.
The popcorn hacks post seems to have
The popcorn hacks post seems to have struck the wrong note with the humorless but elsewhere people have gotten into the spirit, contributing their own useless household hacks (I added the "personal locomotion" hack)...although the name hack ("Google Image Search exotic names to determine if they are male or female") is actually pretty clever.
The iTunes 5 Announcement From the Perspective of
The iTunes 5 Announcement From the Perspective of an Anthropomorphized Brushed Metal User Interface Theme. If you're a Mac nerd, you'll love this because it's pretty damn funny and if you're not, you probably won't get it.
The lofty world of food reviewing gets
The lofty world of food reviewing gets some much needed profanity and street-sensibility in this article, Food Critic Tears Radish Canapes With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole (The Onion, of course).
Use the Technorati Accelerator to "search on
Use the Technorati Accelerator to "search on any URL and get the same response you would have to wait thirty seconds for on their site". Zing!
Popcorn hacks
If you've got a bag of Orville Redenbacher's Butter microwave popcorn on hand but no microwave, there's no need to panic. Just tear open the bag and pour the kernels into a large pot. Put over medium heat. The kernels will be in a big clump of congealed butter-like substance...break them apart with a wooden spoon as the pot heats up and the "butter" starts to melt.
When the "butter" is melted, stir the kernels around with the spoon so they don't burn. At this point, you may want to don some protective eyewear so that when the first kernels pop, you don't get hot butter-like liquid in your eye; I just put on my sunglasses. When the first kernels pop, cover the pot and shake it across the burner so the kernels don't burn. Stop periodically to listen for pops and to exclaim, "I can't believe this is actually working!" When popping stops, quickly remove from the heat, and get it out of that hot pot into a bowl. Eat. As good as microwaved.
Lance Arthur examines living in San Francisco
Lance Arthur examines living in San Francisco versus living in NYC and concludes in a highly dubious and hilarious outcome, that San Francisco is by far the better choice.
Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More
Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell's 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out. "The Ministry of the Beef, and Where It Currently Is".
Ten things created in the last ten
Ten things created in the last ten years that Ian could do without.
Klingon fairy tales, including "The Hare Foolishly
Klingon fairy tales, including "The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates" and "Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious". These are best when you think of them as spoken by Worf from ST:TNG.
Andrew Hearst dreams up some magazines covers
Andrew Hearst dreams up some magazines covers done in the style of George Lois, who created several memorable covers for Esquire magazine in the 60s and 70s.
Ten precepts from The Art of War
Ten precepts from The Art of War that never made it past Sun Tzu's editor. Ex: "When you sally forth to meet the enemy, show your contempt for him by the haughtiness of your prance".
Explaining what a scientist is using Goofus
Explaining what a scientist is using Goofus and Gallant as an example. Goofus and Gallant have also been pressed into service to explain 21st century etiquette, politics, and journalism.
The Onion: Police Search of Backpack Reveals
The Onion: Police Search of Backpack Reveals Explosive Bestseller. "The Union Square bestseller is the latest in a series of dramatic items discovered in New York since random subway bag searches began. On July 27, a hip-hop CD containing over 75 F-bombs led to the suspension of train service for 18 hours."
Why do people laugh? It's a way
Why do people laugh? It's a way for humans to bond, a sign that the danger has passed, or to feel superior to others. New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff is also doing research on humor.
Some lesser-known prequels to popular movies, including
Some lesser-known prequels to popular movies, including There Are Plenty of Mohicans and Triassic Park.
"The hairy ball theorem of algebraic topology
"The hairy ball theorem of algebraic topology states that, in layman's terms, 'one cannot comb the hair on a ball in a smooth manner'". Heh. Looks like Wikipedia has some new measures in placeto deal with spam/trolls: "This page has been protected from editing to deal with vandalism."
Obscenities uttered by Jesus Christ
Obscenities uttered by Jesus Christ. "Holy Mom, mother of me."
Design critique of the alphabet
Design critique of the alphabet. "Puhleez! The capital I without the crossbars top and bottom is either the laziest piece of design in history, or an elegant stroke of modernism. With the crossbars it's just clunky, boring and awkward. The lowercase i is kind of cute with that little dot, I suppose, but I'm not really buying it. This one should have never made it out of the comp stage."
Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down
Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture. "In fact, the crazy, unique, cutting-edge stuff you're into now? The entire management team here in the North American headquarters was totally into that sh*t a couple months ago! No lie, dawgs."
Latest David Sedaris in the New Yorker
Latest David Sedaris in the New Yorker. What do you care what it's about? It's David Sedaris. Just go read.
Ever wonder what the world's best palindrome is?
Ever wonder what the world's best palindrome is?. "My girlfriend has a freaking weird name: Eman Driewgnikaerfasahdneirflrigym."
Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That,
Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced. "Runs Into at Safeway and Has Some Explaining to Do to Wolves".
Misleading article on how to look like a Unix guru
Misleading article on how to look like a Unix guru. I thought this was going to contain advice on maintaining a long, gray beard and such.
Table of contents for The Complete Norton
Table of contents for The Complete Norton Anthology of Emily Dickinson, Post-Zoloft Prescription. Includes "Oh, the ice cubes are melting" and "Today's a good day for stuff".
Apple announces the Harper's Special Edition iPod
Apple announces the Harper's Special Edition iPod. "Number of media legends who came together to create this exciting new Apple product: 2. Chance that literary-minded American consumers will find this new iPod impossible to resist: 1 in 1."
Paul's really personal Google News
Paul's really personal Google News. "Paul comes late to work, again".
Some changes coming to Sesame Street
Some changes coming to Sesame Street. "After destroying several garbage cans due to rage issues, Oscar receives a more modern plastic garbage container. Sadly though, the new receptacle has an air-tight lock designed to keep a newly homeless Ernie out. Oscar suffocates and the neighbourhood must now figure out how to properly mourn someone they didn't really like."
Reimagined covers of romance novels
Reimagined covers of romance novels. My favorites are "For the Love of Scottie McMullet" and "Lord of the Tube Socks".
Authorial Candy Bars, with Their Respective Tag
Authorial Candy Bars, with Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren't as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar. "Mrs. Dalloway Treats -- 'Woolf these down!'" and "Chaucer Sweet Cheese Bar -- 'Of harmes two the lesse is for to cheese.'"
Fictional Iron Chef match-up between Thomas Keller
Fictional Iron Chef match-up between Thomas Keller and Heston Blumenthal of Fat Duck. Arguing over food science has never been so interesting.
Future winners of the New Yorker cartoon caption contest
Future winners of the New Yorker cartoon caption contest. "I love being wealthy in the Hamptons."
An open letter to the Kansas School Board
An open letter to the Kansas School Board. "Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster."
Exclusive: interview with Mr. Sun about the OS X Weather Dashboard widget
One of my favorite Dashboard widgets is the Weather widget. It's been pretty hot and sunny for the last few weeks here in NYC so I've been seeing quite a few pictures of my favorite yellow celestial object depicted on the widget. I recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Sun, a long-time resident of both our solar system and the blogosphere, and I asked him about his Weather widget representations. Here's a portion of our interview:
Jason: How did the Weather Dashboard widget project come about?
Mr. Sun: Funny story. I'm kicking back, combustin' some rhymes, and this spacecraft approaches me. I'm about to throw a flare upside its flimsy-ass hull, when I notice it is sending a message out into the heliosphere.The damn thing is in Apple format, and I have Windows - so I have to download a special viewer. I finally decode the thing, and it's from Steve Jobs about an "insanely great" idea. I vaguely knew about him, because I'd been doing some advance work for Satan on how best to burn Gates for eternity. I'm a special consultant, basically. Anyway, I figured -- what the heck? So, that's how it started. Look, what network are you with again? I don't recognize you.
Jason: Is this the type of work you want to be doing at this point in
your 4.5 billion year career?
Mr. Sun: Look, I'm not going to radiate sunshine up your you-know-what. I'm struggling. Back in the day, I had a great agent -- Nicolaus. Not the brightest guy in the cosmos, but totally devoted to me. He made me feel like I was the center of the universe. I remember I worked with Frank Capra on Our Mr. Sun. Just between you and me, that guy was a little too sunny even for me -- ringing bells and angels wings -- whatever. Then, there was the "Pee-wee incident" involving an unfortunate choice I made in a public setting. I know it's no excuse, but I've warned you people to wear those glasses. I was in a slump. I started to get mean, sloppy, and pathetic. I wasn't combusting properly -- I had bad gas. So yes, I agreed to lend my likeness to the OS X weather widget. Is it where I want to be right now? No. Is it an honest gig? Yes, I think so. I've been thinking about starting a blog anyway; someone needs to let those other Sun Shadys know they are just imitating.
Jason: But do you really need any more exposure? You've got the most prime advertising position in the world -- 5 or 6 billion people a day can see you by just looking up -- what more are you looking for?
Mr. Sun: Eyeballs. Is that all you Internet types ever think about? You want to know who had a lot of eyeballs on him? Mahir. Do you want to be that guy for even one minute? I KISS YOU !!!!! You ask me how I can want more. Let me tell you a story that may help you understand. When I was younger, I watched Daedalus and his son fly just beneath me, soaring out of captivity on wings made of feathers stuck with wax to a flimsy wooden frame. Drunk with freedom, Icarus looked directly at me. I felt the panic of his watchful father, but I was mesmerized by his youthful passion. I met his gaze. He moved toward me and the rest they call myth. I made a vow that day to never stay still. Yes, I am fixed in the sky -- but not at my core. The fire that sustains me is fueled by the memory of what it took for Icarus to make his way to me, and the debt I owe for my part in his fall to earth. I can't repay that debt from 93 million miles away, but sitting on your desktop, I can at least start. I am also told the Internet is basically just one gigantic Porn Delivery Device, and I haven't had any good jacking material since the Soviets from Mir jettisoned their garbage. Did you ever say where you are from? Was it the Wall Street Journal? I'd love to have one of those stencilled sketches of me.
Jason: The photography in this shoot looks more candid than in past shoots by NASA, ground-based astronomers, or vacationing amateurs. In one photo, it looks like you're crying and in another you appear to be surrounded by a haze of marijuana smoke. Are we finally seeing the real you?
Mr. Sun: Looks can be very deceiving. In this case, however, they are not. Last year, I cried nonstop for three of your earth months. I cried because I burn anyone who comes close to me. I cried because I shine alone in the blackness of space. I cried because just once, I'd like to feel pretty and I know that will never happen. As for the haze of smoke around me, I am made of gas. If I wasn't churning gas around, you'd all be as frozen as Ted Williams head, so maybe you should think twice before demoting me from life-sustaining star to orbital stoner. Look, I've been around the block a time or two when it comes to humanity. At first, you were fearful of me. Later, you worshipped me as a god. Now, you ask me these cynical questions. Fine, no problem. I'll be around to see the cycle repeat itself a few thousand more times. I'm just a star, an ordinary star. Deal with it.
Thanks for joining us, Mr. Sun.
Some additional questions and answers from the
Some additional questions and answers from the previously linked David Sedaris interview.
I am a Japanese School Teacher
I am a Japanese School Teacher. Experiences teaching junior high school in Japan.
Medical advice from Tom Cruise
Medical advice from Tom Cruise. "What about vitamin F? Vitamin G? We've got the whole rest of the alphabet of undiscovered vitamins that nobody is pursuing."
A list of weeds you might see on the subway
A list of weeds you might see on the subway. Including iPodpea, Prickly Metscap, Mumblecane, Dozing Slabface, and Edgy Sweatnettle.
David Sedaris deals with a sticky situation on the airplane
David Sedaris deals with a sticky situation on the airplane. "I pulled a Times crossword puzzle from the bag beneath my seat. That always makes you look reasonable, especially on a Saturday, when the words are long and the clues are exceptionally tough."
How to avoid the exhausting planning and
How to avoid the exhausting planning and preparation that goes into making a second date. "This means small talk like, 'after 6 hits while locked in my room meditating, I basically blew a fuse,' is not exactly the combination to the master vault at U.S. Pussy Savings & Loan."
Improv Everywhere played a fake U2 concert
Improv Everywhere played a fake U2 concert near Madison Square Garden last week. The Edge was played by an Asian guy and the "band" got arrested during their final song.
20 things gamers want from the next generation of game consoles
20 things gamers want from the next generation of game consoles. "Seriously, get rid of the crates" and "don't bullshit me about your graphics".
Mr. Sun goes to Revenge of the
Mr. Sun goes to Revenge of the Sith with his youngling. "Why didn't Obi-Wan finish off Anakin? That weakness of the mind cost millions of lives. Put down the coffee, Master Kenobi -- coffee is for closers."
Apple's obsession with simplicity has gotten a
Apple's obsession with simplicity has gotten a bit out of control with the latest release of OS X.
Clive fills us in on Greg Gillespie's belt buckle knife
Clive fills us in on Greg Gillespie's belt buckle knife. Don't miss the video...it's pretty damn funny.
A condensed history of the world, from
A condensed history of the world, from the Big Bang to the present (and a little of the future).
A guide on how to speak gangsta
A guide on how to speak gangsta. "I give yous props for dat phat ride man" means "I give you thanks for the good ride my friend". And don't miss the step-by-step instructions for high fiving someone.
McSweeney's list: "Tools or Actions in Photoshop
McSweeney's list: "Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship". Difference Clouds, heh.
Characterizing NBA players by their counterparts down
Characterizing NBA players by their counterparts down at the local gym or park. Damon Jones of the Miami Heat is "The Guy Who Has a Friend Who's Really Good".
The Hacker's Diet: how to lose weight
The Hacker's Diet: how to lose weight and hair through stress and poor nutrition.
HP contributor David Rees: "The Huffington Post
HP contributor David Rees: "The Huffington Post has been live for two days and I still havent met Gwyneth Paltrow". He also complains that Larry David hasn't read his screenplay.
"Queens" sign on a women's bathroom in
"Queens" sign on a women's bathroom in Chelsea might cause some confusion.
"Nobody crawls under my deck for less
"Nobody crawls under my deck for less than seventy-five bucks, I don't care how much they like it.".
Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention
Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention. A sample: "The Ten Commandments--Loopholes And Safe Harbors: The Technicalities You've Never Thought Of"
"Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In
"Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever". "Popular Science quickly placed the chamber on the fold-out cover of its next issue, which reads, 'FUCKING AWESOME!!! THE BALLS-OUT H.C. IS 40 TIMES BETTER THAN SEX... AND COUNTING!!!'"
John Gruber's plain English version of the
John Gruber's plain English version of the Adobe/Macromedia Acquisition FAQ. "Please also note that PDF is an excellent format for sending out resumes."
Play one-dimensional Tetris
Play one-dimensional Tetris. Literally seconds of fun!
Some other names for God
Some other names for God. "The archangel Gabriel was summoned by the will of God. Gabriel bowed his head and replied, 'How may I serve you, Jimmy? I mean, Lord?' Thus followed the awkwardest silence in the history of heaven."